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Thread: The History of Heavenarius

  
  1. #1
    Awakening Game Master Metal Gear Rex's Avatar
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    Default The History of Heavenarius


    Made by Synesthesia.



    Chapter One
    The Origin of Everything

    In the very beginning, there were no Dungeon Keepers, as there were no Heroes. There was no Avatar, nor any different "Realms". There were only Creatures of a variety of species on one large continent. It was a time before Magic, thus only brute Strength was needed. There were so fewer types of species existing at this time as well. There existed Goblins, Trolls, Orcs, Dragons, Humans, Dwarves, Elves, and Giants only. Though they all once lived in their own corners of the continent, ignorant of each others' existence, they eventually encountered one another as their own societies expanded. War broke out.

    Being as this was the first war, the first time such a concept ever walked onto their world, all Creatures were ill-prepared. It became a battle of natural strength. Creatures such as Orcs and Trolls were easily able to overpower other physically inferior Creatures, such as Elves and Humans. Dwarves, although a bit tougher, also fell fairly easily.

    Realizing their weaknesses, the Humans devised a plan to allow them to overcome their opponents. They allied themselves with the Elves and Dwarves, intending to overcome the brutes by swarms. Though they were able to temporarily able to sway the tide of war, it definitely did not last forever. The Goblins were able to realize that the three species were allied together, and informed the Trolls and Orcs, requesting an alliance in response. Though the Orcs arrogantly believes they could overpower the trio, they had taken enough damage to realize that they needed help else risk extinction. The Trolls needed no convincing.

    Now formed together, the Goblins, Trolls, and Orcs once again overpowered the other species. Once again in a losing battle, the Humans sought to gain the help of the Giants and Dragons, both of whom so far had not taken part in the war. The Giants were powerful, but not intelligent. They immediately saw the Humans as trespassers and, without allowing them to explain, killed them outright. The Dragons heard the Humans' plight, but did not care to answer it. They stated they sought no part in the war and would watch them burn if that was to be the outcome. This caused hatred to spread for the Dragons among the Humans' alliance, but also allowed word of the Dragons' decision to reach the Orcs and their alliance. They considered the Dragons' inaction to be a sign of alliance.

    With no one else to turn to, with no other way to sway the course of war, the Humans' alliance's defeat was inevitable. Instead of slaughtering them outright, the Orcs' alliance instead held the surviving Humans' alliance captive after defeating them. The Orcs, being the leading force of their trio, had the right to decide the fate of the land they had conquered. They made it into a land of Strength, where only the Strong would be respected and allowed to live. They allowed both Dragons and Giants to join in on this new life. The latter, however, was too stupid to understand such concepts, and so they were left alone in the end. The Giants did not disturb them and they did not disturb the Giants, as it had always been. The Orcs did not want to kill the Giants, for they were incredibly powerful and thus deserved respect.

    Creatures such as the Humans, Elves, and Dwarves were considered inferior. They lacked the necessary Strength to gain a life within the Orcs' new world. They had, after all, lost the war as proof of their weakness. They were forced to become slaves to the Orcs and their allies. They were tortured and toyed with for their amusement. Beaten and raped for their satisfaction. It quickly became clear as the years passed that they had no future. It was the beginning of a long dark age.





    Chapter Two
    Their Savior

    With every part of the land ruled by the Orcs, there was no safe place to escape the life of slavery for the survivors of the Humans' alliance. That was to say... within the overworld. Some of the more inventive Humans and Dwarves began to create their own haven, underground. They secretly dug out pathways to beneath the surface and mined out caverns where they could hide. As their hiding place expanded, they invited more and more of their fellow slaves into their secret hiding place to seek saftey and escape from the vicious Creatures above.

    Though they were no longer suffered abuse, life was still incredibly bleak. It was difficult to obtain food, being forced to steal it from the Orcs and smuggle it underground. They received little sunlight, fresh air, or a simple pleasant look at the sky. But they still believed that this shadow of a life in a dark corner was better than being out in the open and ready for abuse. Still, they lived in fear. Many of them had nightmares of being picked to fetch food, then moving towards the entrances of their caves to find the Orcs waiting for them, the light of the sun highlighting their figures.

    Eventually, those nightmares became a reality. Some of the Orcs became suspicious of those smuggling food back and forth, then began a brutal interrogation. They found out about the underground caverns, then began to snuff the Human alliance out. When word reached others in hiding, it magnified their fear a hundredfold. Some of them, driven by fear, revealed themselves and those living with them to the Orcs, hoping to make the Orcs go easier on them for their cooperation. They did not.

    The Orcs and their allies soon gathered all of the escapees and prepared a massive execution to set an example for the rest of them. They intended it to be the most brutal execution of all time, provoking the worst of feelings in all the Humans, Elves, and Dwarves watching. They planned to first beat all of them to near death, and those who survived the terrible abuse were to be beheaded. Afterwards, they intended to leave their corpses to rot in a dark memory of the whole event. The event was planned to happen at sunrise, while they gathered victims and audience members throughout the night to force them to wait in horrid anticipation.

    The next morning, it was time to begin the execution. The sun had shown itself, shining light on the executioners and their victims. The Orcs were just about to prepare the beatening when, for a single instance of time, a shadow of a figure raced over the scene. They had all seen it, and quickly turned their heads in search of the surrounding area to identify the strange shadow. Then, staring off into the sunrise, they saw the figure of a man as he stepped towards them.

    They stared in awe at the figure, believing him to not be Human, Elf, Goblin, or anything. He certainly didn't look like anything they had seen before. He was humanoid, but that was all they could agree on. He was covered in bright red and yellow colors with bits of silver here and there. His body was surrounded in not only the light of the sun but also a brighter, white light that seemed to be sourced from himself, something they considered to be impossible.

    The man lifted his hand, and a bright light shot from him. It split into a massive number of smaller lights that rained down onto the scene in a seemingly random pattern. The Orcs soon realized it was not random at all, but cleverly calculated, for every single light struck the chains that bounded the prisoners, and successfully broke every one of said chains. The prisoners then began to make a run for it. The Orcs tried to grab them and beat them, but the man lifted his other hand, and released countless sparkles of light that raced over every last prisoner. The sparkles of light blocked the Orcs from even being capable of grabbing the prisoners, allowing them to make a clean escape.

    Realizing the source of the problem, the Orcs then turned towards the man. They charged towards him in a furious rage with the sole purpose of dispatching the one who dared disrupt what they considered justice upon the weak. The man put his right hand over his heart as he lifted his left hand in front of the army of Orcs, Trolls, Goblins, and Dragons charging towards him, and they suddenly froze in place. Every last one of them had been encased in ice.

    Humans, Elves, and Dwarves alike all gathered around the man to celebrate him and thank him, but he said that it was not the time for that. The trouble was not over yet. The man explained that they had to first get rid of the Orcs' alliance, and his plan was to seal all of the Orcs, Trolls, Goblins, and Dragons even further beneath the ground as their ultimate punishment for what they had done. They all followed him around as he went around the continent, fulfilling this grand plan of his and forcing the Creatures underground.

    After forcing these Creatures into the underground, the man used his power to create a special kind of structure he called a "Portal". He created a Portal within every cavern the Human alliance had previously carved out. The Portal led to an area even deeper underground. Each Portal contained what he called "magic", and anyone who went down it was then put under his "spell", which prevented them from ever coming back up. While they lived down there, they did not need food, water, or sleep, and would be forever awake and alive to bare their punishment. Their only release was the death of aging.

    Only after pushing all of the Creatures beneath the Portals did the man allow the Human alliance to celebrate. They cheered him on endlessly, calling him their Hero, their savior, their Avatar. The man, at that time, realized that there had been a slight bit of confusion going on. He placed his hands over his head, and removed what they thought to be his head when it was actually a helmet, as he explained afterwards. Long sparkling blonde hair, gentle white eyes, and other effeminate facial features revealed that "he" was actually a she.

    Adopting the name of The Avatar, she explained that she came from another land filled with powerful beings, Gods, as she put it. Their power was comparable to her own, but she was one of the more powerful Gods. There was a constant war between the normal Gods and the Dark Gods, both wanting control over their own realm. Neither paid any attention to this realm, for the most part. But she had always been more sympathetic towards the Human alliance and their plight than she was towards her fellow Gods. To that end, she had moved across dimensions and taken the form they all currently saw her in.

    The Avatar explained that she intended to stay and help rebuild their peaceful society. All of the Humans, Elves, and Dwarves cheered with delight at the news, and they immediately got to work. The Avatar quickly proved herself to be, despite her incredible power, surprisingly humble. But nevertheless, they all made swift progress in rebuilding homes and farming crops. People were able to enjoy the simple pleasantries of life without fear of abuse from the wretched Orc alliance. It seemed like the beginning of a new golden age.



    OLD

    Last edited by Metal Gear Rex; April 18th, 2013 at 20:52.
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  2. #2
    Awakening Game Master Metal Gear Rex's Avatar
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    Default Re: The War for Heavenarius

    Going to temporarily re-open this thread and turn it into a discussion thread.

    Okay, so after all this time, I have finally read this thread from start to finish, without skimming through any part of it. And to be perfectly honest, I hate it. I think it's awful in a number of ways and would very much like to do some changes. I only put off reading it because I thought it was a pretty decent story, and unnecessary to read. I was instead focusing on other aspects of the Awakening, and general RPing itself. After reading it, I can very much see that I was quite mistaken in believing the Awakening had an at least somewhat solid story to support it.

    After now understanding the kind of plot the Awakening is built upon, I would really like to perform a massive revision of it. That, I believe, will be easier than trying to keep the story's foundation as is and do more subtle or less significant changes around the boarders, like what I was doing when I did that major revision of the codex.

    I will still be keeping a number of key elements, such as The Baron and Archbishop. However, certain other elements or events will be revised possibly from scratch. A very good example of this would be Malice simply disappearing after The War for the Overworld. There's literally no reason to explain or justify it, (and I would certainly know if there was) it's just a blatant plot device to push for an opportunity of the Heroes regaining control over Heavenarius.

    So I want to know... Is there anyone who has any sort of attachment to this plot, or a good reason to keep it beyond trying to avoid retcon? And, if necessary (or even just for the curious), I will also go more in depth of why I think the plot is so bad.
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  3. #3

    Default Re: The War for Heavenarius

    Ok, just for you, Rex, I'm gonna break this down and see just how stupid it is.

    Quote Originally Posted by Metal Gear Rex View Post
    Chapter One: History One on One.

    In the dank dark depth of the dungeon, the mentor’s voice rages through the hallways like a wave of twisted knowledge, no hint of mortal being that the mentor once was remains; he has become the proof that knowledge is absolute power, and absolute power can get you into the best of parties. Maybe he knows all things watching the past and remembering the future, maybe he knows only what you deep down know but don’t dare remember. All that we truly know is that he knows how to manipulate the never ending magic of the Dungeon keeper, and he’s using this knowledge to talk to you now.
    Alright, meaningless intro describing the narrator. Not really a part of the story, so no flaws yet.

    Quote Originally Posted by Metal Gear Rex View Post
    Heavenarius,

    Nowhere in the underworld is there a more disgustingly happy place: Children dance around even though no one will cut their legs off if they stop. And people are honestly thankful to their Avatar God even though the being fell from grace a century ago, and is know occupying a troll form and drowns puppies out of peer pressure.
    Hm. Needs a Grammar Nazi's touch.

    Quote Originally Posted by Metal Gear Rex View Post
    Heavenarius,

    Nowhere in the underworld is there a more disgustingly happy place: Children dance around, with no one who will cut their legs off to make them stop. And people are honestly thankful to their Avatar God even though the being fell from grace a century ago, and is now occupying a troll form and drowns puppies out of peer pressure.
    Ah. That's better. On to the next segment.

    Quote Originally Posted by Metal Gear Rex View Post
    But this place wasn’t always like this; this vast subterranean continent once belonged to the Ancients, beings obsessed with cutting hallways in squares, even though it didn’t give them any mana to electrocute their work force as a past time. These creatures had the lack of luck as to only be 2 feet tall and make a wonderful noise if chucked very hard against walls. The vastly intelligent race was wiped out over a week end and a large pub crawl by the ancestors of modern Trolls and Orcs. Luckily their primordial powers survived in their blood bath to inspire the dark hearts of beings, and from this the first Dungeon Keepers were birthed.
    Ok backstory so far. Almost can't wait to see it shit the bed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Metal Gear Rex View Post
    Three centuries later in a moment of humanity’s weakness after the loss of the Avatar, a massive campaign was launched by the keepers Malice and Nemesis to enter the over world and to put the goodly humans to a more productive use as kindling. Ofcourse, Malice and Nemesis did the right thing in trying to kill each other at every opportunity, but Malice had the employment of the Horned Reaper, and has since decorated the liars of his creatures with the entrails of Keeper Nemesis’ sons. Malice ascended to the Overworld, pillaged, burned, and torched humans for two decades, before suddenly relinquishing his control and disappearing for ever.
    Hm. Some more grammar and spelling work can be done there, there, and....

    Wait a minute. HIT THE BRAKES!!

    Where did Malice go? Did he just decide that after 20 years of pillaging and killing meatsacks that he was bored and wanted to play Golf instead? And does he plan to come back? C'mon, those are really important questions we should be asking here!

    Well, let's see if we get some explanation for this. Not holding my breath, though.

    Quote Originally Posted by Metal Gear Rex View Post
    The sniveling humans took back their land, although seemed to miss the enjoyment of war, constantly complaining about the mass graves and heads on spikes that now littered their land, I’m really not sure why, and they wasted most of their fighting time thanking their gods for letting only two thirds of their populace be killed in the War for the Overworld.

    Due to the fact that Malice and Nemesis controlled most of the underworld, the place fell into disrepair, and the wonderful sound of screaming eventually came to a silence.
    Wait, really? That's the end of the first chapter? NO EXPLANATION AT ALL? I mean, seriously? You can't just leave me hanging like that on the backstory, especially when it's at the beginning of it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Metal Gear Rex View Post
    Chapter Two: The invasion of Heavenarius


    The Mentor, no longer having any other name nor identity, will inform you keeper of so many things, but never will you inform you as to why, nor will he tell you if he’s giving similar information to other keepers, and asking to what end he’s working towards will be replied with an out of the blue tip off that there lies the King’s Holiday home to the west, and after digging into it you’ll find a bottomless pit in to which your dungeon and it’s heart will quickly slip into.

    Thankfully Keepers are not the type to talk or question.
    ANOTHER one of these Mentor intros? Is there one at the beginning of every chapter? Come on, I'm 19. I don't need to be led on every 5 minutes. Also, what do you think I'm doing now? Oh yea, QUESTIONING! You condescend me again, and you'll pay with your fingers. Anyways, let's continue.

    Quote Originally Posted by Metal Gear Rex View Post
    Heavenarius was birthed from its equally soppy mother nation, Heavenalia. It was kept by people that were for some reason joyful that the war was over. Their King; Bartholomew IV foolishly credited this to the Avatar, and not some god that would approve of him starving his subjects. The kingdom grew more and more happy; singing songs, raising families, and telling tales- it was infuriating!
    You know what's also infuriating? Not knowing the difference between Heavenarius and Heavenaria. Try adding a little more explanation in your backstory so people like me don't have to make assumptions!

    Quote Originally Posted by Metal Gear Rex View Post
    The First born Son of King Bartholomew IV was Prince Millhouse II. The boy was a useless creature, that felt unfulfilled in life, probably because he didn’t kill many people, when the boy became a man he announced that his people where too graced with the Avatar’s bounty, and that they cannot appreciate it in their beautiful homeland, and proposed that they moved to the underworld to live in povety, the majority of the population thought this was a grand idea and they swiftly dug a great stair case through the mountain of Eradion into the underworld. They were thankful that the Avatar gave them a many number of plagues and disgusting smells, and set about monasteries to write books about how great the smells and plagues are.
    Ok, first off,



    I mean, honestly? Are they bored? Did they LIKE being tortured by Keeper Malice? That's some fucked up form of Stockholm Syndrome if you ask me. And if this Prince Millhouse II is such a tool-bag, then why are people following him in the first place?

    Quote Originally Posted by Metal Gear Rex View Post
    Thankfully a Keeper by the name of Nero controlled a large amount of the land, he was tired from the last fifty years of isolation from his Keeper Brothers from the end of the war, but quickly set about attacking King Millhouse II’s hidden citadel of Glorydale and started cutting of limbs in good fashion. The populace was so busy being thankful to the Avatar that it seemed that Keeper Nero would take the land with little fatalities- such a shame.
    Wait. There was a Keeper that wasn't taken out by Nemesis and Malice? Was he that unimportant? And I thought it was 20 years after the war, not 50. Also, when did useless Prince Millhouse II become a King? Am I missing something, or was I just not informed AGAIN?

    Quote Originally Posted by Metal Gear Rex View Post
    But it was then that King Millhouse II was contacted by the renowned Wizard; The Baron, who was a veteran of the War for the Overworld, and was studding the ruins of the Ancients. Disappointingly the Baron did not kill the King then and there and take his wealth for himself instead promised King Millhouse II the ability to destroy a Keeper’s heart, and thus banish them from the land with nothing more than magic. Within a week Nero was knocking on the doors of Glorydale Citadel by chucking infants at them increasingly hard, but then, he was destroyed. His creatures fell in disorder without the magic of a dungeon heart enriching their minds with suffering, and dispersed, but not destroyed.
    So, he was just destroyed in an instant with no physical combat? Not giving much hope for future Dungeon Keepers, now are you?

    Quote Originally Posted by Metal Gear Rex View Post
    The King Thanked The Baron, and allowed him to build his magic tower upon the un-moving heart of Keeper Nero, in the realm of Ironstepps. The King now believed that he controlled the whole of Heavenarius and set about appointing Lords and Ladies to own the new land. He chose to empower the survivors of Keeper Nero’s attack, thankfully the battle had left most of these people bloodthirsty, but they wasted this hunger by calming that the Avatar granted them with each decision and swipe of a sword, this misplaced confidence made the Lords Charles, James, Christopher, Henry, and Lady Elizabeth effective tacticians and duelists, but sadly noble enough not to use these powers to betray each other in bloody battle, how disappointing.
    Ah, ok. There was a battle, just not one that was even bothered to be described in any kind of detail. Rather disappointing if you ask me.

    Quote Originally Posted by Metal Gear Rex View Post
    Chapter Three: The rise of Lionheart.


    The Mentor’s voice booms from the filthy walls of dungeons, insects and rodents scatter away in fear. They say the pen is more powerful than the sword; The Mentor needs no pens. His words are imprinted in the minds of all things that hear. His words are everlasting, never forgotten. Such knowledge can only come from one that’s ever plotting, you’d do well to listen.
    Yep, another intro for the Mentor. Could we stop stroking this guy's ego already? I might have to kill him.

    Quote Originally Posted by Metal Gear Rex View Post
    The High King Bartholomew IV was impressed by his son, and sent King Millhouse II his younger sister: Yvonne, in the hope that the young woman would learn how to behave in the pure Kingdom of Heavenarius. The young woman is a hideous insult of womanhood, and was often mistaken as the Royal Dog. The creature instantly attached her disgusting self to King Millhouse II’s Archbishop of Blossomvalley –the most disgustingly goodly of realms.
    Oh, so like his son, Bartholomew IV was upped from King to High King. Could you at least give me a template explaining the format of this government? It's confusing the hell out of me. Also, nothing like an ugly ass sister as a job well done present. Also, if this Archbishop is so important, then why doesn't he have a proper name? I mean, the lords and ladies in Chapter 2 had names.

    Quote Originally Posted by Metal Gear Rex View Post
    To my surprise the Archbishop didn’t rid himself of the woman by cutting her head off, and instead spent his times exploring the continent setting up temples of the Avatar to gain an ever stronger hold over the populace. Yvonne followed him, and it was in the realm of Graniteditch that they encountered one of the many hidden tribes of Goblins, Trolls and Orcs that littered the land after Keeper Malice’s dissapearance, and there was the recent addition of Keeper’s Nero’s creatures. The Achbishop’s attempts to reason with the creatures lead to an enjoyable display of monk-beheading. The King found himself in a difficult situation; it was so amusing to see him despair at the situation! His Lords were to afar to give aid to the battle, and he risked losing both his Archbishop and his sister.
    You know what you shouldn't do with an angry group of Goblins, Trolls, and Orcs? Fuck with them, unless you want to die.

    Quote Originally Posted by Metal Gear Rex View Post
    The Realm Chief Karsh, an Orc, wanted to skin the Archbishop to make a fetching coat, but on approach he found himself confronted with the Lady Yvonne, the Orc was mystified by her distinct beauty and instantly pledged himself to her, as did his army; every Goblin, Troll or Orc wanted to befriend the Kingdom for a chance to meet with this mysterious feminine fetal.

    The Archbishop took advantage of this and sought to teach the creatures of the realm the ways of the Avatar. The Goodly Kingdom of Heavenarius became only more goodly as all humanoid creatures; Goblins, trolls, elves, warlocks, orcs and vampires became disgustingly… proper. Fortunately the other creatures of the realm continues to hate the Kingdom and drown children.
    Well, I guess that would make sense why an Orc would be attracted to her. Probably looks like one anyways. But if I were that Orc, I wouldn't pledge my services to some heroes to just sit by this female, oh no. I'd snatch her, kill the rest of the heroes, take her behind a few layers of indestructible rock, and forcibly introduce her to my third leg. Flawed logic is flawed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Metal Gear Rex View Post
    Sadly the Kingdom flourished, still with poverty, but the people became more and more happy, and the King became more and more powerful; the religion of the Avatar gained more influence from the Cathedral within Blossomvally; Lady Yvonne recruited more greenskins to the Kingdom; the Baron produced three apprentices, who spread conflicting tales of the power to destroy Keepers; the Lords became more fascinated in The Baron’s powers, and searched the dungeons of the ancients in hope that he had left notes from his expedition.

    Tragically, no one was killed for a full 5 years in Heavenarius. King Millhouse II felt worthy of his last name: Lionheart.
    You just HAD to throw in a Braveheart reference in there, didn't you? As if this plot wasn't lacking creativity already. At least this change is somewhat mentioned.

    Quote Originally Posted by Metal Gear Rex View Post
    Chapter Four: The rebirth of Evil


    For all the monologues, stories, and conspiracy theories about the Mentor, the only thing you need to know; is everything he tells you.
    Now, I have proven time and time again in this thread alone that not all the information I've needed has been given to me. YOUR ARGUMENT IS INVALID.

    Quote Originally Posted by Metal Gear Rex View Post
    All this dancing and singing could almost make me depressed. Fortunately, cruel fate rarely approve of such happiness. One day, it was a Monday, the rock of the Earth roared with return of a great foe. At the heart of the Realm of Duskriver, the ground broke way, tongues of fire revenged from the rift for eight days and eight nights. The Dungeon Keepers had returned.
    Wait, so all of the other Keepers were just sitting in another dimension? And why wasn't Keeper Nero with them? I want an explanation, and it better not be a bullshit one. Of course, I'm probably not going to get one at all.

    Quote Originally Posted by Metal Gear Rex View Post
    Keeper ''Lust'' Medusa: a formidable foe. She fell the land in a huge campaign. King Lionheart could only breach her borders by his huge numbers alone. Keeper Lust responded by constructing a maze of prisons, torture chambers, and graveyards. She was forming an army. King Lionheart gave all in an attack, he never slept, and nor did his Lords of the Land. They battled well in the name of their make believe Avatar. Keeper Lust did not have time to build her army, but she had seen this event years ago in her plotting.
    If she saw it years ago, then why didn't she do it sooner? Another piece of lost information, never to be found because the person who made the plot didn't want it to be.

    Quote Originally Posted by Metal Gear Rex View Post
    She had spread much gossip of King Millhouse II’s weapon that could apparently kill any keeper that dared enter the Kingdom, and she spread rumor that for a time, the weapon would be useless. With this news a dozen Keepers set about invading the land of Heavenarius. Different Keeper came for different dark motives. Keeper Dimitrius, said to be Keeper Lust’s ex husband, is more infamous than even his was-wife, and seeks only to rule and destroy the land that she seeks so much to control. Keeper Harpeia seeks only to capture The Baron and to use his power to destroy all over Keepers in the entire underworld. Keeper Müdgern sought to capture the Lady Yvonne and to attract a thousand minions each day. Keeper Jarquidos sought only to outdo his snotling brother and to see to an end of the happy clappy church of the Avatar.
    HEY!!! Don't you switch the king's name back to the original after changing it the first time! That's just mean to the reader's thought process.

    Quote Originally Posted by Metal Gear Rex View Post
    Keeper Lust was confident that the destruction of a now Keeper riddled Heavenarius and the death of its king would be soon. Surprisingly the king learned fast, he isolated and distracted Keeper Lust’s lackeys, and pressed harder still to keep her torture chamber complex inoperable. He aged and became the model warrior; some even said that he was the new embodiment of the Avatar. He cared not as long as he could rid the land he’d grown of the Keepers.
    Great. The door-nail Prince actually got a reason to be liked. Can someone kill this guy already?

    Quote Originally Posted by Metal Gear Rex View Post
    Keeper Lust grew tired of this, and captured the man. For four months he was tortured, starved, and isolated from the world. Disappointingly he was freed by Lord Henry. He returned to his kingdom, tormented but determined by a raging volcano of hate for the Keepers, only to hear that in his absence, his farther; King of Heavenalia, had died of extreme old age. From that day he discarded his childish beliefs in the Avatar, and isolated himself in his hidden castle of Gloydale Citadel, plotting the movements of armies from his throne, and giving ever more resources to the equally Isolated Baron. He was through with the Keeper’s games. They would all die the way the Keeper Spite did.
    WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T SHE KILL HIM!?!?!?!?!?

    Torturing is all and good, but usually if you cut off the head of a snake, it dies rather quickly. Isn't that what she wanted? And how did a simple fucking lord such as Lord Henry free him if they were having that much problem killing her? Plot holes, ahoy!

    Quote Originally Posted by Metal Gear Rex View Post
    Now you are the only force with the knowledge to stop this. Heavenarius will burn, and from it you will lead the return of the Dungeon Keeper to the entire underworld. You’ll be faced with military challenges that have not been seen for nearly one hundred years, but in the pleasure of battle, remember this and this alone:

    It’s Good to be Bad.

    Written by Who-Horny
    Who-Horny wrote this? Now, I haven't actually met him in any way at all, but I know a flawed plot when I see one. I wouldn't be able to fix this plot even if I had a Horadric Cube on me and three copies of it. What do you guys all think?
    Last edited by NerdyTB; February 5th, 2013 at 06:33.

  4. #4
    Awakening Game Master Metal Gear Rex's Avatar
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    Default Re: The War for Heavenarius

    Hm, I think you overdid it with the response there. But the point is made, regardless of the words used to make it. There are a couple other things I think you missed, but I can't remember them off the top of my head aside from the mentor's character being heavily flawed. The mentor is meant to be a sort of all-knowing being, yet he is blatantly evil. It doesn't take an all-knowing being to know that being blatantly evil... well, it won't get you very far in the world unless you have a godly amount of power to make progress forcefully, which he clearly does not.

    There's also the thing about Keepers not questioning, which, aside from looking bad on its own in writing due to it sort of acknowledging the lack of reason behind most of this, is not very true, for the most part. Dungeon Keepers would very likely question things, because they are generally untrusting of others. Arrogant they may be, they should know better than to just listen to what someone has to say. Through all the lies they tell themselves to get what they want, one would think they know how someone else could be trying the same to them.

    Anyways, I still would like to hear what some others think.
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  5. #5
    Vampire MeinCookie's Avatar
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    Default Re: The War for Heavenarius

    Braveheart? No... Edward Longshanks and William Wallace? Very much no. I'm fairly sure the movie title has no foundation in history, and if anything was probably inspired by Lionheart. King Richard, known as the 'the Lionheart', was the absentee king of England during the Crusades. This was apparently around the time that Robin Hood existed as reference. Still not very original, as with the names of the various lords and ladies, but very much based on actual history.

    Also, another note... you want a reason why the heroes are doing stupid things that aren't in their best interests? Look to the Church of Avatar. Religions are like that. Look at the Crusades, which we have already mentioned... is it a smart idea to march right across the majority of Europe and into the Middle East on foot to die of disease, exhaustion. hunger and thirst only to face the wrath of an enemy you don't understand and who does not fight fairly by your rules and codes of war? No, it isn't... and especially not to liberate a single strategically insignificant city, not special in any way... and yet they did it... multiple times and in full knowledge of what they were doing. Such an action can only be seen as stupid to an impartial observer because they lack the same worldview and priorities. I think perhaps this, the heroic religion, should be emphasized more in future.

    While I don't abhor the story, a better one could be written which borrows the key elements from this one.
    Last edited by MeinCookie; February 8th, 2013 at 02:03.
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  6. #6
    Awakening Game Master Metal Gear Rex's Avatar
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    Default Re: The War for Heavenarius

    Quote Originally Posted by MeinCookie View Post
    Also, another note... you want a reason why the heroes are doing stupid things that aren't in their best interests? Look to the Church of Avatar. Religions are like that. Look at the Crusades, which we have already mentioned... is it a smart idea to march right across the majority of Europe and into the Middle East on foot to die of disease, exhaustion. hunger and thirst only to face the wrath of an enemy you don't understand and who does not fight fairly by your rules and codes of war? No, it isn't... and especially not to liberate a single strategically insignificant city, not special in any way... and yet they did it... multiple times and in full knowledge of what they were doing. Such an action can only be seen as stupid to an impartial observer because they lack the same worldview and priorities. I think perhaps this, the heroic religion, should be emphasized more in future.
    I thought of that already, and that is usually one thing I do think of that other people tend to missed, or at least, from what I've seen. But there is one serious thing you're missing, Cookie, and that is the major reason why this is so dumb. That being, the "religion" of The Avatar should actually be pretty dead by this point in time. He died way back in DK1, and in DK2, people weren't really worshiping him at all. There's not much worship going on now, even. I don't think there's enough belief in him to cause a massive number of the population to go down into the underworld and to make themselves miserable.

    Even if there was, why would they? That doesn't sound like the kind of thing The Avatar would teach or even want them to be doing. At least within the lore I'm implementing, The Avatar is the one who freed the humans from that kind of life. He gave them the life they have as Heroes. And I also don't think it was within his character for him to consider himself above everyone else, even if it was true. If anything, deciding to go back to such a life for the reason of the population believing they're unworthy of The Avatar would just be an insult to him and his teachings.

    So... I don't think it will really work out one way or another. The only reason why they should move to the underworld is to defend themselves from the Dungeon Keepers, to stop them before they reach the above ground where the lives of the civilians/townsfolk/whatever are in danger. This is what should have been the reason for the Heroes moving down underground, rather than the more blatant plot device of religion. Same thing with Malice, too.
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    Hellhound Searingflame2's Avatar
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    Default Re: The War for Heavenarius

    They say ignorance is bliss.

    I never noticed any problems with this beforehand but Nerdy's evaluation is rather comprehensive.

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  8. #8
    Awakening Game Master Metal Gear Rex's Avatar
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    Default Re: The War for Heavenarius

    Quote Originally Posted by Searingflame2 View Post
    They say ignorance is bliss.

    I never noticed any problems with this beforehand but Nerdy's evaluation is rather comprehensive.
    I think that's because you, like everyone else, was younger and/or didn't want to speak up, and no one really talked about it afterwards while it sat in a dark corner. It hardly ever came up in the main

    Quote Originally Posted by Searingflame2 View Post
    Barthus loosely relies on Karsh/Yvonne. If they're scapped or modded, please let me know.
    It very likely will, for reasons already explained and additional reasons yet to be explained but unnecessary to explain at this point.
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  9. #9
    Awakening Game Master Metal Gear Rex's Avatar
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    Default Re: The War for Heavenarius

    As of today, I have begun to revise the story. No written words yet, it's all just concept in my head at the moment. I'll likely be summarizing a recreation or reinventing of the DKI and DKII game events as well to make it all sync better.
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  10. #10
    Awakening Game Master Metal Gear Rex's Avatar
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    Default Re: The History of Heavenarius

    Chapter Two is up. And yes, I did just do that. Take that, all of you.
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